


So What?

by glittertears



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 21:09:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16940775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittertears/pseuds/glittertears
Summary: Baz kinda wants to die. So what? Everyone does.He doesn't need someone to save him. Doesn't want it.But Simon's going to try, goddamn it. He's not a monster.--tw for suicide glorification/suicidal thoughts and self loathing and more sad boy hours bc thats all i feel lolololoh and mentions of vomit and disordered eating if u struggle w those





	So What?

Baz kinda wants to die. So what? It's not like he's the only one whose ever felt like this. It's not like anyone would even remotely care aside from Dev, Niall and Fiona. It's not like he matters.

Not that he'd tell anyone any of this. Crowley, could you imagine the kicked puppy look he'd get, the pity words and sickly sweet eyes. It makes him want to puke - not that that's hard right now, everything makes him want to throw up, he can feel everything he tried not to eat clawing at the back of his throat, taste the bitter stinging vomiting always brings about. It's a taste he remembers well.

He's lying on the bed in his dorm, listening to the shouts of those on the football pitch. He used to be one of them. He used to be able to have  _fun_ but he can't find it in him anymore. He can't find the Baz that used to take pleasure in the small things, like getting Snow to explode, like watching how golden Snow's hair is, how soft it looks. Baz can't do much anymore except wallow. He's exceptional at wallowing. He could win an award for it. 

He's interrupted from his award winning wallowing by the very same Snow kicking open the door and rushing in with his very soft-looking golden hair. Snow, who sees Baz lying on his bed, resolutely staring at the ceiling with possible tears in his eyes, stops in his tracks tracks, remnants of laughter still visable on his face, and whispers "Baz?" in one of those pity laden voices Baz has grown to hate and remains standing awkwardly by the door where he stopped.

Baz thinks now would be a great time for the Mage to finally kill him. Or for his father to make good on his promise and stake him through the heart for being gay. Because he is very, very gay and Simon Snow is still staring at him with those puppy dog eyes of his and he is so  _fucked,._

And then he does that cliche thing of realising he's been silent for far,  _far_ too long and his brain is still slow and muddy and mostly focused on the fact that he  _hates_ not being able to enjoy  _anything_ , hates feeling so listless, hates living the way he is, and it's because he is so very focused on how much he hates  _everything_ that he doesn't sensor himself when he blurts out "I don't  want to be here. On earth. Alive. I don't want to be alive." 

It doesn't occur to Baz until later that this isn't a normal thing to confess to your roomate and supposed arch-nemesis at 4:31 in the afternoon on a Friday and if Snow wasn't already concerned enough that would definitely have been the cherry on top. But Baz isn't thinking about anything when he does it. Not any of the possible consequences or exactly what Simon might be thinking or that he might take it as his personal mission to do somthing to stop the possibility of Baz ever actually offing himself.

He does, however, think about the fact that if he were to die right now, then the last thing he would ever have seen would be Simon bloody Snow's gorgeous bloody face and he reasons that there are worse ways to go, so he isn't really listening when Snow says, "Oh," so very quietly, followed by, "Well, I'd miss you. And I want to help you. I..I know how...that feels and it's shitty and yeah.." 

Which really, who the fuck could imagine the Chosen One saying that to his roomate and supposed arch-nemesis at 4:32 on a Friday afternoon? Baz decides to just go with it. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be 2 chapters by i'm not motivated ever sorry rip


End file.
